i was reading that this afternoon my lil’ sister’s xanga page and i admire her truthfulness and admit to my incurable comment about her cockiness. i think sometimes that i used to think the way she did when i was her age…maybe even more depressed than she is. My self-image was flaccid and even though tried to portray an impermeable skin, inside i was always analyzing myself- why i am the way i am, why i do the things i do, and why i think the way i think. the truth about a living creation is that he/she is created specifically unique and one must accept who one is once one know who he/she is, but the beauty of living creation is the ability to change. Self-perception is a progression, and shouldn’t be confined or solidified. What i don’t like about certain people is that they stick too much on what depresses them, rather than change towards happiness. People complain about other people’s tendency to draw away from them, but don’t try to better their social attitude. I understand when people are depressed about themselves, and believe me, WE ALL GO THROUGH A PERIOD WHEN WE DON’T BELIEVE IN OURSELVES, […]
today, i woke up at 7am, grabbed my Bible, guitar, & banig- & set out 4 my backyard. the grass was wet but i laid out my straw blanket anyways. today was our first Early Morning Prayer Meeting. i remember many groups in Rutgers used 2 be sooo devoted 2 prayer, that they even got up around 6am 2 pray…i wanted 2 bring the same devotion 2 SJ. I know it`s hard 2 sacrifice sleep but i`m really praiseful that 4 people came 2 the mat 2 pray, maybe even more in their own rooms, but it was a refreshing time. basically, we prayed 4 the people in our youth group. we prayed 4 individual names. i want us 2 learn how 2 be more invested in each other through prayer, not so we change their lives just because we uttered their names, & that the power was through our words, but so that we may learn how 2 care 4 their needs in lifting up their burdens; & it is our faith in which we grow closer 2 our intimacy with the Father. how great 2 pray in the confines of secrecy but how sweet 2 pray with your […]
today in church, God showed me love. when it came to find prayer partners, ate grace softly suggested we be partners. As she prayed for me, she sounded so sincere…she prayed for direction for my life. After we prayed, i saw her wipe her tears. i was deeply moved that she could care that much for me. after the message, pastor ding asked people to get up and go to someone who they felt needed to be prayed for. i closed my eyes and felt someone sit by me. i opened my eyes and kuya rodel was right there telling me that the Spirit impressed it to him to pray for me because i was struggling with something. As he prayed for me, tears came down and i opened my eyes because all he said were true. Sometimes Kuya Rodel can really hit the truth of where my arrows lie. As he continued to pray, he said this,”i don’t know what you’re going to do with this girl, but i know she is so special, and you’re going to do great things in her…Lord, fill her with love when we are absent.” “Fill her with love when we are absent.” […]
from lyrical battle w/ Teya Dorado: I dun need to mess anyone up/ wassup/ jake is already/ too corrupt/ and you/ you feelin’ it too?/ I dun need this rhyme t’make you looka like-a foo’/ you already trippin’ / on your feeble words/ I’ll bring your crown t’the ground/ my verse is like a sling shootn’ you down like a puny bird/ and I dodge your comments like I dodge your turds/ha ha/ ma goodness/ I make myself laugh/if only your comebacks were a quarter to my half/ so this is just a sneak/ a funny peak/ of something to look forward to when you return in a few weeks/ but don’t be too quick to speak/ take all that time/ to try to make half a decent rhyme/ I’ll be waiting/ tick tock…ya rite (I’ll be keeping time! ) ha!
In light of the present pertaining to the dim lighting of the past, I adhere to misconception, the misconception that I know. Meaningless, meaningless, says Solomon under the sun. Then why do I scrape the dirt in toil for a meaning less than what the world may consider great success. What matrix of fluidity can I mold without a defining substance while what I tear over may be my ruin? and will my ruin be any cohesive substance to give birth to solidarity? in what way do I peel the apple in acquiring the potential filled seed? there is a road from point A to point B and I travel it gladly knowing that cheering awaits my hasty accomplishment. but I fear I’ve missed the bus and a detour is necessary for my arrival. have those who have been blessed with bus1 earned more of a right for a happier life? how then should I perceive the present situation I am in while riding bus to? the cheering dies down and the only audible accompaniment is the road, and the only education is the experience. what then should be my correct attitude, for downtrodden is any hope that this way […]
I’ve been thinking about so many things these days. there are so many things i want to change. i wish courage could be sold at a corner store, or else i would sell all my words for a sufficient jar. maybe aside from courage, i would purchase trust. to trust those who love & care for me, to open up to them without thinking of how vulnerable it would be if showed them my wounds. lastly, i`d buy forgiveness; so i could forgive the past & leave it where it is without it so much affecting the present.
so everyone`s been asking me, 1.”marchesa, have you been losing weight?” and so the answer is yes. 2. “marchesa, are you eating?” the answer is `not as much as i use to`. which by the way is a good thing cuz i use to eat a lot and indulge in spending 5 bucks here and there, which by the way puts a strain on an almost non-existent wallet to begin with. 3. (and the most important question) “how did you lose all that weight” (coming from 114 to 105). i will answer this question with detailed longetivity, it will blow you away. Every nite between the hours of 10:46-12:33pm, i venture out of my apartment into the night, wearing only the comfort of my pajamas and black flip flops that i`ve borrowed from my sister without her knowledge. then i hop the M10 and get off at the stop near the train station of Metuchen where a park is nearby hidden. In this park is a pond, and not some ordinary murky pond like the ones they complain about in movies about New Jersey, but a placid humble pond where i, at exactly 12:34 immerse myself in. I call it […]