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Grief

It’s been twelve days since my dad’s sudden death and I’m still wrestling with feelings of guilt due to the lack of time that I’ve spent with him. I didn’t know that he had cancer. I didn’t know how much pain he had and was just keeping in. I didn’t know that he was going to die five days after I last talked to him. I didn’t realize that all his responses in that last conversation in the form of groans and moans we’re the last that the would hear from him. I try so much to remember the times that I’ve spent with him but my brain is just not cooperating. I feel that I don’t deserve to remember him. Grief for me has been a conduit of guilt. No matter what I do to help my mom and my siblings, my guilt just won’t let up. I should have visited them before the pandemic. If I did, then maybe I would have noticed something, anything that I could bring to their attention so I would be ready to accept his passing. I am not okay. I might look okay on the outside because I can quickly suppress my […]

Update?

I haven’t blogged in a while.  I’m gray. Did I mention that? My daughters, if you find yourself turning gray around 40, genetics has diligently done its job without flinching sans mercy. Your dear mother is lazy enough to put it off every month, but not lazy enough not to dye it at all. I just find the hour and a half too important to be bothered with coloring hair.  However, internet space, I am at that age now where it was important enough to take a big trip to Paris- coupled with the reason of it being our 15th year anniversary.  Yes, Paris. Paris. Sigh, Paris. Now as it entered my head and exited in writing, I’m nostalgic.  We walked everywhere for a week- the whole day every day.  We wrote the street names in our heads, drew a map in our minds, and can somewhat follow the paths we took to notable places.   I honestly didn’t know what I would write before I wrote this, but I guess I should have known, it would have led to Rue de Rivoli…to La Tour Eiffel.  (This will have to wait…until then…to be continued…)

Come and See; Go and Tell

God has enumerated numerous lessons through the choir ministry. Since 2009, I’ve seen plenty and seen a few in our choir, but God shows me that it is never about the numbers. He still provides the reason to bend with the music and work to bring everyone together on the same musical page, to keep united with the same goal in mind. There is no room for pride in a choir, no room to be better than the next, no room to keep hidden and hide behind bigger voices. Everyone is expected to give, to understand the music, and move together. Thank you Lord for the opportunity to move together to worship you, to come and see; to go and tell. You are good every year, faithful to finish what you’ve started, and always showing those who serve You, the immeasurable joy to be part of the work.  I am humbled by them every year. God’s love can only be the reason we do this.

School Winter: Solos, Duets, Concerts

Emma’s orchestra winter concert. This was their ensemble group. She started off the song with a small solo. She’s really worked hard to be heard in her orchestra, esp. after being the new kid last year. Super proud of her. Zi’s biggest fan was Emma. It may be because Emma was so proud and could relate that Zi can finally experience her 1st school concert. So Emma and Elle insisted that we get flowers and a small reminder of her hard work. Zi named it Pengi Wenceslas, after the song where she had her duet. Zi has great cheerleaders!  Last school winter concert of the year. This time, it was Emma’s choir and TL Singers. These were just clips of my favorite songs from the night. 1st song: Light One Candle (Emma sang a short solo)2nd song: River in Judea (my favorite from the night…made me tear up during the whole song)3. Morokeni 4. The Climb (Yes…a Miley Cyrus song)My parents were able to attend; my mom said my dad cried because he remembered his younger days when he’d perform. ?Super proud of Emma for her commitment, getting up earlier to attend practices for TL Singers. It’s her last year in Middle […]

erasing season

winter doesn’t creep it comes charging with a shield and sharp branches unmerciful and filled with pain unrelenting it runs like a flame fueled by bitter feeling and once consuming what sustains warmth it does not speak it is silent. and peaceful. and dares us to try again.  

Beginnings.

Beginnings. Fills my heart when I see my kids serving. They don’t know it yet, but slowly their hearts are being wooed to a long lasting romance. Emma jumps at every musical opportunity, but Perze and I were surprised that Zienne asked if she could help this Sunday with harmony vocals and keyboard. And even Elle jumped in, resolved to play the box drum.

8 + 4 + 1 : Back To School

Weekly prayer meeting fell right on the day before the girls are going back to school so we were able to have a devotion about trusting and waiting on God, and not be fearful. And we each prayed for specific things that might take us away from giving each of our best this year + that they may be extensions of God’s love to their schools. We also prayed for their cousins, their friends, and school peers who will be entering into another year. Be mighty, little ones; take courage in the One who leads your paths. One-two-one-two! Get ’em, Ababas.        SOMETHING OLD, SOMETHING NEW: This year, I decided not to buy any new school clothes for them or backpacks. Thankfully, their sneakers still fit and was still in good condition.  Only Elle had to get new sneakers because her feet are growing so quickly and I could never keep her sisters’ old sneakers because they were so beat up from each year.  Also, after school ended, we kept all their old crayons, colored pencils, markers, erasers, pencils, highlighters, unused post it notes, tore out the old pages from their composition notebooks, binders, colored folders, calculators, paper, […]

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