taking back my wishes

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Sometimes I remind myself that soon, she’ll be one, then one and a half, then two, and then I can finally get real sleep- the kind of sleep that offers me to dream and have 2am conversations with Perze again. Then I realize by that time, I won’t have a baby to hold anymore, that baby that pants to get near to me, that baby that crawls with all her strength and coordination just to be in my arms, smiling, excited with an innocent glow and glee that melts my heart.  Then I get sad and look at her and take my wishes back. I’m ok without sleep. Because I can sleep for eternity but I’ll never have her baby smell with each day that passes.

So I look at her with each time I have with her when she’s not crying or cranky, and I play with her, make her smile, talk with her, and hug her.  Sometimes, she pulls away because I’m overcompensating with what I won’t have in the future- a baby. She doesn’t realize how much I’ll miss her- the baby years of her- and I know I’ll cherish the next phases of her life, but I’ll always miss how she needs me- how much she longs for me. Is it selfish? Some might think so, but it’s just a feeling I have…one I know I’ll get over…

But until then, I’ll write how she struggles to say ‘mumum’ to get my attention, how she tries so hard to make me smile when she does something a big girl would do, like stand on her own.  I’ll write about how she fits in the nook of my hug when we’re sleeping, and how her hair wisps on my lips, and how her gaze tries to understand my facial expressions and language. I’ll write about the way she crawls from her sisters’ room into my room, looking for me, and then enormously smiling from ear to ear, with all of her four teeth, when she at last finds me, smiling back at her, despite how tired I am.  I stop myself from wanting my own “mommy time” and pick her up because it’s another day towards her toddlerhood. 


You’re turning 8 months, Elleonai. 

At seven months, you mastered standing up on your own, without any props, quickly and eventually standing for longer periods of time, with great control.  Sometimes you even slolwy sit down again on your own volition, without falling on your bum. 

You say things like “Tat”, “Ate.” And recently, you started saying “mum” whenever you want me. 

Whenever I sing “play the drums”, you drum on an object and smile. And sometimes I even catch you singing along with me, or out of the blue when we’re driving your sisters around. 

You have four little teeth, and don’t fight about eating anymore like you used to when you were teething. 

Whenever you see your older sisters sleeping, you have the naughty habit of crawling on top of them and tap at their faces and pull their hair to get them to wake up and play with you.

We love you little one. You are such a joy to raise.

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