What Love Is This?

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Last night, I was feeling weak and tired due to compounding nights of losing sleep from Elle’s recent schedule.  Elle has been waking up from sleep around 10pm and stays awake until around 2am, sometimes 3am.  This is impossible for me since i still nurse her in the middle of the night then wake up at 8am to ready Emma for school.  Then Elle’s daytime naps only take about an hour these days, so even when I try to nap with her, an hour just doesn’t suffice.

Anyway, last night before bedtime, I shared my conundrum with the girls.  After I thought they both had fallen asleep, I decided to listen to some music.  A particular song clutched the weakness of my heart with the lyrics:

“I look to you
I see the scars upon your hands
And hold the truth
That when I can’t you always can
I’m standing here beneath the shadow of the cross,
I’m overwhelmed that I keep finding open arms

And I confess, you’re always enough for me
You’re all I need”

Uncontrollably, I wept as the song played on, putting my humanity at the feet of Jesus as it kept reminding me He’s always enough for me. He’s always enough for me.  And it kept reminding me Easter is coming up, that what I’m going through is minor leagues compared to what Jesus had already gone through on the cross and beyond it. That He would be my Savior even in these small moments.

As these thoughts kept going through my head, I heard a little voice say, “Are you OK mamam?”

Zienne still wasn’t asleep.

She put her arm around me and asked me what was wrong.  I told her, “Nothing Zi, I’m just tired and I can’t rest when Elle cries.  Every time one of you cries, it breaks my heart.”

She replied, “Mamam, every time you cry, it breaks my heart.  Did you know that? Mamam, can I pray for you?”

And she did. She told God I was tired. She asked God to give me sleep. She asked God to give Elle sleep. She asked for God to give me strength and to take care of her dad. She asked all of it in Jesus name. Then she hugged me as the music played, “what love is this that you would give your life for me, and made a way for me to know you.”

(Zienne Noelle 3yrs)

That night, Elle slept at 12, the earliest she’s slept all week. But more importantly, my daughter prayed for Perze and me, reminding me God’s love reaches me and that He’s always enough for me. And so many times, when I open my eyes and ears, He makes a way for me to know Him.

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