Time seems to be on my mind lately…ok…once I became a mom w/ Zem.
When I was younger, time seemed to just be an invisible factor, like oxygen, just something you know surrounds you, but you tend to take for granted. But now, or- every day, and I mean every day, I find moments of my day spent gazing on Emma and wondering how I can bottle that day with things of her present self.
Like her laugh or smile, or her funny voice, her catch phrases and emotional issues, the way her lips feel on my cheek, and how small her hand rests around my neck. I end up staying in bed for extra few minutes breathing in the time I can wake up with her at three years old and take note of how she responds to waking up next to me. I end up preparing her breakfast, realizing that her breakfast routine means so much less to her than how I see us having breakfast every morning. And I keep the memory tight because I know between the two of us, I’ll be the only one that will remember its mundane practice.
I think that’s why I blog so much about my everyday, and esp. about my family, and my daughter…because I know I’ll forget some little things that mean the world to me.
The other day, I was watching a video with the song "Slipping Through My Fingers" by Abba. I just started crying because it was about a mom helping her daughter prepare for her wedding day. Emma found me crying and asked if I was sad because I missed Perze. I decided to save her my drama and just say yes, so tenderly, she grabbed my hand and pulled me to follow her, saying, "come with me Mamam to your room. I’ll make you feel better."
So I followed and lied down on the bed where she took her toddler hand to lift my chin, motioning me to look at her. Then she caressed my cheek with the same hand and said, "Mamam, Tatay loves you so much. You’re his love, and you’re my best friend. Don’t be sad." Then she hugged me, with her "pet" elephant in the middle, telling me that Perze will be back soon from work.
Yes- from my three year old. She coaxed my heart, unknowing that I was trying so hard to soak in that moment, wondering again, how I wish I could bottle it up. But again, she was slipping through my fingers all the while…
I love you my Emmanuelle. You are really such a reminder to me that God is with me and His love shines through you.