looking back

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Today my wife asked me something that challenged and hurt at the same time. She asked if at the time of our courtship, she presented herself wrongly to me. I said no.

I asked her back … and she said she thought I was so GungHo about ministry.

I try so hard not to use work as an excuse. But I don’t think she really sees the value of what I do. Because if she does, she wouldn’t have challenged it. Yes I feel hurt because I work 14 hours a day to provide for this family and for my siblings and parents in the Philippines. out of the 10 hours left in a weekday, I spend 4 hours of that in the train in which I try to cram my devotions and whatever sleep I could muster so would not be zombie.

I really don’t think that God looks down on me for not being busy for His kingdom. I don’t have time to reach out because of my crazy scedule and challenges like the one she gave me just makes me look worse of my inner being and make me question my motives.

She made me feel like the prodigal son. But unlike the prodigal son I did not choose to have this. I asked her where is my Jerusalem? I don’t even know. It’s like going to Judea yet strive to worship in Jerusalem.

Where is my home? I don’t know. Its supposed to be where my heart is but I really don’t know. one thing for sure is that God is holding my heart in his hands. I don’t understand why these things are going on right now but I know in the end I will see what he wants with me.

Galatians 6:9

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