over my head

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It’s crazy how I tend to start something and the desire just kinda wanes down. I tried to think as to what factors affect and/or pushes me into disinterest.

  • I feel that I’ve reached the limit of my ability to do something
    • Take work for example, they place me in various projects where all I need to do is execute some repetitive tasks, probably 10% of the time i spend in understanding the concept or the business rule behind a module and the rest of the 90% consists of writing documents and executing them again and again and again. *bleh*
    • Another example would be creating stuff. Now this varies from writing, to music, to geeky stuff, etc. I know (in my point of view) the limit of my abilities, especially when it comes to technical stuff. As I progress in what I’m doing, I tend to overshoot my expectations hoping to exceed them. The stupid thing I do is that when I don’t meet that expectation I become so hard on myself and then lose interest of the project in it’s entirety. *bleh*

  • wierd mix of wanting and not wanting altogether
    • This is probably the wierdest and most dangerous quality a person can possess. Come to think of it, this is like a twisted version of the Freudian concept of people doing things in order to get a little sumthin’-sumthin’. No, Freud was wrong, people try too accomplish things in order to get attention, whether they admit it or not. The sad thing is that once I get that attention, I just shy away from it, even deny that I wanted it in the first place. This is a struggle I hate facing, but whenever I face it, I just remain silent. Maybe in order for me to avoid people taking notice.
    • the list goes on … attention, responsibility, gadgets …

This is just probably the tip of the iceberg. I don’t even know why I brought it up.*sigh*

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